Bolted In The Belfry

A prominent local JP has been discovered in a potentially compromising encounter with an attractive fellow villager after a prankster locked them in the belltower of St Andrews Church in Stonking. The pair (who cannot be named for legal reasons and because this paper has not found out who they are yet) claimed to have climbed the bell tower to admire the views even though the tower is enclosed and no views can be had from it. When this was pointed out to them by the Revd Arthur Spears (who released them from their incarceration) they claimed in fact to have been looking for the church’s famous brass, that of Lord Snatch of Cabbagepatch – even though that is to be found in the main crypt of the church. The two were given the benefit of the doubt by the vicar as they both promised in future to be “regular churchgoers in enthusiastic communion with the Lord.”

We asked a bevy of Stonking residents for their views :

Village florist Anita Tush : “Personally I don’t think it was brasses that they were interested in rubbing.”

Art gallery owner Peggy duChamp : “If it was communion they were after, I suspect it was of a more secular nature.”

Local JP Dudley Town-Centre : “It’s a sad indictment of current society when two people cannot indulge in a healthy interest in clerical architecture without falling foul to the mischief of pranksters and the innuendo of gossip-mongers …. .No, of course it wasn’t me!”

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