When Stonking residents Hazel and Roger Hound decided to brighten their new home with Christmas lights, they did not expect their new neighbours to treat like them dogs in the manger. But they were horrified to receive a poison pen letter accusing them of lowering the tone of the neighbourhood. It described their decorations as ‘ghastly in their tawdriness’ and the front garden of their house as being ’duller than a sardine sandwich’.
Hazel, 56, a respite worker at a home for the socially depraved, said she downed a whole bottle of cough mixture after reading the “snooty” letter from one of their neighbours.
The anonymous, typed letter read : “We would like to extend festive wishes to you for your first Christmas in this village. You will have noticed since your arrival that in this neighbourhood we nurture a high level of civic pride in our homes.
“Which makes it all the more surprising that you should choose to insult the image of the village by decorating your house in a display of Christmas lights universally ghastly in their tawdriness. If you are particularly intent on improving the appearance of your domicile, you might do better to apply yourself to the issue of how to brighten up your garden, which is quite frankly duller than a sardine sandwich. Thank You.”
Hazel and Roger, 60, an artificial inseminator, say that the letter was all the more distressing as they have spent over £2000 landscaping the garden in Tamber Lane. “You can tell that whoever wrote this has no taste of their own – there’s nothing dull about a sardine sandwich, particularly if you put a few drops of Worcester sauce in it.”
We sought local opinion :
Parish Council chairman Frank Disclosure : “I’ve never really understood this predilection for dressing up a house to look like Santa’s Grotto. Next thing you know there‘ll be places decorated with Wallace and Gromit!! What do you mean – have I seen the house in Wilmot Drive???”
Butcher Basil Chives : “I suspect it could have been worse. We could have been celebrating Saint Starcus‘ Day. He was the patron saint of naturists, you know. Just imagine a house decorated in bare arses!!! Did you know that Arses was king of Persia between 338 and 336 BC?”
Woman About Town Loretta Martin : “Personally I’ve always been rather partial to flashing Santas.”