Stonking resident Seymour Tracks has been left reeling by an apparent hatemail campaign directed against him for being on long-term sick leave. He himself has received a letter branding him “idle”, “lazy” and a “splinter in the backside of the social services”. Other villagers have received cards suggesting that Tracks receives over £400 a week from the DSS whilst also carrying out odd jobs despite being on sick leave from his employment with Southern Rail.
In one letter he was accused of burglary and the sexual intimidation of sheep. Another letter threatened that he would be “cut into pieces and scattered amongst the allotments up by the old railway sidings” if he did not “end your sponging ways and start to make a determined effort to demonstrate a social conscience”.
“Most upsetting and most bizarre was a letter accusing me of having a haircut!!” said a clearly upset Mr Tracks over a pint of Gusset Ripper in the Rancid Polecat.
So desperate was Mr Tracks that he approached the local constabulary for advice after receiving a letter threatening to poison all the plants in his cottage garden.
“They advised me to fit closed circuit television so that I could identify the culprit.”
We asked him if that was what he did.
“Did I hell! No; I just ripped all the plants out of the garden – that’ll stop him in his tracks.”
But Mr Tracks was so infuriated by events that he decided to go public. However, the response from some villagers has astounded him.
“It’s as if I’ve brought the village into disrepute by airing these issues in public. Although no-one’s said anything to my face, I’ve heard the whispers. And yesterday I received a piece of hatemail slagging me off for telling everyone about my hatemail!”
We sought the opinions of a selection of Stonking villagers :
Landscape gardener Thaddeus Pilchard : “Sending anonymous letters seems to me a pretty cowardly way to make a point. If ever I put pen to paper by way of formulating a complaint, I always ensure that there is a name at the end of it. Not always my own, I confess, but a name all the same.”
Beautician Stella Pins :”How unfair. I know for a fact that Seymour Tracks was not involved in sexually intimidating sheep. No; that was (name withheld…)”
Col. Rustington-Smythe : “Whilst I have some sympathy with the anti-sponging sentiments at the root of this, conducting a hatemail campaign seems like a somewhat arbitrary way of putting matters right. Public castration with a pair of rusty secateurs would be more appropriate, if you ask me!”
Abel Batchelor : “A hatemail campaign, you say! And what exactly does that involve?”
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